I’ve whined and complained and dragged my feet. I’ve written new stories and trashed old ones and admired Summer Rush’s gold star. I’ve read comments and critiqued stories and lamented and thrown papers across the floor.
But, all in all, it comes down to this: Summer Rush did not deserve that gold star.
I’ve tried to console myself by saying it was just a first draft, but it is not working. I got into the Top Picks by default; that’s why it feels like such a shallow victory. Honestly, I’ve been kind of depressed writing-wise ever since I got that gold star.
When one of the original Top Five-ers told me SR was going to be a top pick for November, I was super excited. Ten minutes later, I realized that Summer Rush was a disaster, and that there was no way I should let that get to an editor’s desk. It just wasn’t ready, and it still isn’t. I shouldn’t have let a first draft go to an editor. What kind of nut job am I? I should have pulled SR before the end of the month, then just posted it again in December.
Anyway. I’m kind of frustrated and disappointed with and mad at myself for allowing getting that shiny gold star distract me from what my real goal should be: making my novel the best that it could be.
Now I’m all bummed. I’m trying to decide if I totally bombed Summer Rush and ruined it for me forever, or if I need to get my whiny butt in gear and make that story beautiful. The first ending, the one nobody ever saw, actually meant a lot to me, and I think it was what made SR different from any other story that I’ve ever written. And I really want to get the story back to that point, if for no other reason than knowing that Lexi and Rush had that much in them.
So. What am I going to do?