writing

Why I Was Afraid to Write “The End”

Eleven days ago, I wrote this post, informing the world at large that my beloved Angel Saga was finished. The first draft had been rolled out. That chapter in the life of Angel du Loc, Darius Hanneman, Dominic Toussaint, and Rihanna Ahara had ended (so had some of their lives, period). I’m not going to lie. Writing “THE END” terrified me. I finished it in the middle of the night, so I attributed the feeling to exhaustion. I had none of the ecstatic feelings that I had when I’d finished my other novels.

Now I know why I was scared. It wasn’t because I was disappointed that my favorite fall-back project was done. It wasn’t that I thought I hadn’t gotten the ending write.

I was afraid to have to edit this 500,000 word behemoth.

Oh. My. Goodness. Did that thought never occur to me? It’s hard enough editing a book not even a fifth that size! I’m about to tear my hair out as it is. The Angel Saga has been my darling for nearly two years. I’ll never be satisfied with how much rewriting and editing I do. I have the sinking, horrible feeling that Angel will never come within poking distance of finished.

I’m admitting it loud and clear. I am afraid of The Angel Saga. I am afraid of half a million words of grammar errors, spelling errors, and plot holes. I am afraid of the bad scenes I wrote. I am afraid of the good scenes I wrote. I am afraid of having to describe Hell’s atramentaceous eyes one more time, of trying to remember how long Angel’s hair is, of desperately searching my mind to try and figure out what season of the year it is in the current novel.

I thought I was scared when I had to edit Summer Rush. That was nothing in comparison. That was balloons and cupcakes in comparison.

*Sits down and sighs* I’m so lost. Yes, the actual editing is sometime off in the future. But I’m still scared. (The only thing I’m remotely excited for is walking up to the guy at Office Depot and seeing the look on his face when I tell him I need to print a 1600 page novel).

Right now, I know the entire first novel will be rewritten completely. I know a certain plot thread will be pulled out. I’m thinking that a character that I killed off then brought back then killed again may stay dead the first time. I’m thinking I have way too many characters. I’m thinking I have way too many factions with an interest in the Promise Child Project.

But that’s just thinking. What’s going to happen when I have to put all this out on paper? I cringe to think of it. I really do. I need to go eat Oreos and cheer myself up.

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