Dear Grammar and Spelling,
I’m writing to tell you that I’ve had about enough of your self-importance. From here on out, I no longer give a flying pigeon about you. You can put glaring red squiggles beneath my writing in Microsoft Word all you like. I no longer care. I’ll spell pillow with ten L’s if I want to, and I’ll typo to, too, and two as many times as I like.
Who gives a crap if occasionally mi vocabulario espanol wriggles its way into my writing on occasion? I most certainly do not. My sentences can be bilingual if they like, whenever they like, however they like.
If I ever see that awful blue squiggle line, I may freak out in an entirely violent and uncalled for way. What does that even mean, anyway? It’s bad enough you’ve forever desecrated the color red as the messenger of my so-called errors. Now you’re going to drag blue into it, as well?
Furthermore, I dislike your obstinate attitude. If I say ignore an “error,” then just ignore it! Would it kill you to allow me to do what I like? I don’t know if you know this, but humans don’t use proper grammar at all times. Especially in dire circumstances. We’re not worried about your versus you’re and gonna versus going to when we’re excited or worried. You shouldn’t be, either.
That’s all I have to say to you. Good day.